What the Hell am I doing here?

Everyday this question pops into my head.  On really hard days this is all I think about. But not for one second have I seriously considered marching into the Peace Corps office and telling my boss I quit.  Why haven’t I?  Because I knew this was going to be harder than any job I’ve ever had and I also was told it would be the most rewarding… and so far it has been both.  Now when I say hard what I mean is getting accustomed to certain things like: having no water for a couple of hours during the day (usually right after I come home from running),   riding on a non-air conditioned bus filled with more than double the occupancy and people hanging off the back, getting cat called at every time I walk out my door, hand washing my laundry in a pila (which can be therapeutic until the bus start eating my ankles), the mosquitos everywhere ( I think they actually like off spray),  random fiestas that last for a month (seriously people have been carrying San Pedro around the streets of my town for a month accompanied by a band that explodes bombas or fireworks at the most random times of the day), bartering for less than 40 cents when a moto taxi driver tells me I have to pay 30 cords when I know I should only pay 20 cords (I have become the cheapest person here), all of the noise (roosters, chickens, dogs, cows all hours of the day) and emaciated street dogs that poop and pee everywhere.   So yes some of these things make my life here stressful but it’s a very different kind of stress from I had in the states. 

When I was preparing to graduate college all I could think was that I needed a job. I didn’t really know what kind of job so I took one that paid well but made me stress to the point where I literally sat in front of 2 male bosses and cried my eyes out.  Overworked was an understatement.  After that I took another job to get out of the job I hated only to find out a year later that this job was way worse…I ended up working at that job for 4 years…the last year I cried almost every day  on my way to work (thanks mom for listening to me cry).  What was wrong with those jobs?  Well I could blame the incompetent management but really it was me.  I wasn’t suited for those jobs and every day I worked at those jobs I asked myself, “What the hell am I doing here?”  (Please note my last job before PC I really loved and it was hard to walk away from it because I worked with great people.)  In those jobs I wasn’t living up to my potential which made me so unhappy.  For me both of those jobs were mindless and I felt like every day was ground hogs day.  I was having the same conversations with the same people on repeat.  I knew I couldn’t do that for the rest of my life.

So what’s the difference between those jobs and my job now…Everyday even on the hard ones I can answer my question, What the hell am I doing here?  I was wasting time before Peace Corps; but if I hadn’t had terrible experiences I would not be able to appreciate the good ones.  Peace Corps is a good experience.  I learn something every day and once in a while I get to teach something to.   So what the hell am I doing here? 

• ·         I am working with teachers and co- teaching entrepreneurship classes in high schools
• ·         I am learning about my community and how I can make a difference here
• ·         I am fundraising and writing grants for Empowerment International which is an amazing organization and really makes a difference in the lives of kids.
• ·         I am teaching students and colleagues that they do have opportunities if they can just think outside of the box (something discouraged in Nicaragua).
• ·         I am learning a different language (finally using my brain for something)
• ·         I am learning how to live simply, what most of the world does anyway, so why should it be different for me.
• ·         I am learning to understand and appreciate a different culture
• ·         I am learning to have patience (I struggle with this daily)
• ·         I am learning to appreciate life and just relax (very Nicaraguan)
• ·         I am learning to not take things for granted (water, comfortable bed, hot showers, pretzels, sweet tarts and apples…these last things I’m missing more than hot showers J)
• ·         I am learning how to make a long distance relationship work (I think I have it easier than most as I talk to Aaron every day and less face it he’s pretty much the best guy ever)
• ·         I am learning to be self-confident and appreciate myself more

What the hell am I doing here?   I am challenging myself to live a full life by helping others, helping myself, doing something different and appreciating the time I have here.  No regrets.